from now on my penis is your penis
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Someone shattered a urinal.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
