My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
