the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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