hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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