Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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