I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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