so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
