I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
