Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
