I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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