he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
