do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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