just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
