that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
whose ass print is on the piano?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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