We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
