So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think my moral compass just broke
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
