think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
