i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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