People in love make me want to vomit
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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