im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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