Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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