i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
