My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
