My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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