No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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