There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
