Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
