Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
