No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i barfeds in our rink
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
