why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He better not be in your backpack
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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