i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
