I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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