I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
