My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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