Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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