life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize