Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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