A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
