maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
