You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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