then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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