The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
