Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
