Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You have to summon your inner elephant
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
