i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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