No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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