Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
