just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
