I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize