I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
