I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
