I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
