He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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