I cannot find my penis.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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