nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
