if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
